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Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes! Turn and Face the Strange... 

So It turns out I wasn't meant to be a housewife. 

I keep coming back to the music. 

I really liked being a fiancee, but my fiance...well, didn't. My  [ex]-fiance liked the receptionist at work. 

So now I'm writing songs, and recording guest features on other folk's albums, and even singing in a local musical! 

Since the split I've met someone who shares my passions and it's awakened a part of me I had put to sleep; me as an artist, me as a creative. It was just really hard to be the musician I wanted to be when I was struggling with so many things and feeling uninspired and lacking support. I stopped believing in my talent and my dreams. 

I thought it was a really good idea to love someone who wasn't an artist because they would provide me with stability. Turns out stability can sometimes mean stagnation. 

 

Embrace change, embrace the uncertain. Nothing is promised for tomorrow. 

 

I'm going to keep making covers and uploading them, it's fun. Here's a cover of one of my favorite songs. I sang it on a Friday, she left me on a Saturday, and now life feels like Sunday morning; sacred and full of promise. 

Where Am I Now? 

It's been ten months since I last checked into this space. It was time to heal.

And now I am feeling better.


Then I was trapped in cycles of intergenerational trauma and lateral violence

Now I am free of chains

Then I was drowning in ancestral memories and pain

Now I am grounded and finding peace

Then I was struggling to take care of myself, to know that I was important enough to seek help

Now I am rested, and becoming healthy

Then I was a slave to my mental health struggles

Now I am able to manage my anxiety and depression

Then I couldn't sing a note

Now I feel the joy of music creeping through my fingers. I feel ready to perform again.

Then I was unsatisfied in my career

Now I have found a shift in career direction that is sustaining me on a financial, emotional, and creative level

Then I couldn't visualize even having a future

Now I see my future clearly


I'm not really sure how I got better. Time, mostly. Distance from toxicity. Exercise, medicine. Meditation. Slowing down. And of course, the support of my fiancee, and friends. The world is changing so fast and in many scary ways. It can be hard to value yourself, especially if you belong to a marginalized community. But please try to. Take good care of yourself. 

Where am I now? I am here. 

I hope  you are too. 


 

On Groundedness and Coming Back to Our Bodies 

It's been a little quiet here on my website, I know. I'm sorry.

The reason things have been so low key over here is because my life has been ANYTHING but tranquil. After National Aboriginal Day, Sierra Jamerson and the Symptoms played at the Indigenous Pavilion at Heritage Days, I went on a little Alberta Tour with Tod Hughes of the rocking and rolling Tod Hughes Project, and I turned 23.

Two days after my birthday I had the privilege of filming the live video for Back to Body with The Northern Sessions, an amazing group of people who make music videos [FOR FREE] for local artists. When I look back on this video, I am moved by the sincerety, the pain of a life lived with constant "not good enoughs" floating through my head every time I looked into a mirror. Medgine's spoken word piece and her delivery were so raw even my poor therapist cried! Haha.

But I also look back on this video and see a young woman who was about to collapse from all the pressures she was putting on herself. I wanted so badly to be perfect, to be thin enough, to only take up a small amount of space, to be desired, to be successful, to be financially secure, to advance my career, to be the best, to be flawless....

"Why do we keep killing ourselves for a love that don't belong?"

I had to stop. Two weeks after the filming of this video I was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety, depression, and PTSD, but honestly this was really no surprise to me. I knew my head was messed up. It was time to slow down and get healthy. The beautiful thing about musicians is that we are able to take our suffering and turn it into the most heartbreaking, inspiring, beautiful and healing piece of music you have ever heard. This is our gift to the world but it comes at a price. I have paid my price, and now I am healing. Having anxiety sometimes feels like my head is spinning 100 feet in the air. Having depression sometimes feels like my head is in a dark underground cavern where I forget what the sun feels like. Having PTSD sometimes feels like there is a masked killer behind every corner waiting to assault me. Now I'm learning what it's like to feel grounded. To be here now. To be in my body, and not just my mind. I meditate, I pray, I cast the spells that need to be cast and sing the songs I need to sing. I ask my ancestors for guidance. I listen to the wisdom of the earth. I plant my feet firmly on the ground each day - not in the air, not in a cave, and not behind every dark corner.

I breathe.

And so,for  you who may or may not visit this website, and may or may not wonder why I haven't been up to anything since April, don't worry. I've been up to a great deal. I am learning how to take care and love myself, to heal, and to take things slowly. This industry is a machine, but I want to be like a tree. Grounded, growing slowly and becoming stronger and more magnificent with each gently passing year. I promise more shows, more songs, and more feelings soon.